RSVP: find out what it means to me.

Whether you are inviting 50 or 500 people to your wedding, the guest list is a rare beast.

Unless, of course, you are one of the blessed who does not lose sleep over shafting people within your circle of influence. Drafting a guest list takes a great deal of tact, a stern resolve, and an ability to count. Generally, these are learned behaviors/abilities. Fortunately, if you haven't acquired them all yet, the task of carving up a guest list will afford you all of them!

John and I were restricted to a guest list of 240 as that is the total capacity our reception hall could legally hold before the fire marshal shut the place down. We ended up inviting 300. D'oh.

We were advised to invite more than 240 by the caterers, though, as generally 25% of invited guests will decline. From a technical standpoint, we were helped by the fact that our wedding was on a Sunday. This precluded some of our out-of-town guests (who had to work in Madrid, Spain the next day) from attending. How I would have loved to pen at least one excuse note for a friend, "Please excuse Cha Cha from work this coming Monday. She will have spent the day prior at my wedding, committing gluttony in the chocolate fountain and running ladders in her stockings, rendering her nylon-less and therefore unfit for work on Monday. Thank you for your kind consideration in advance. Sincerely, Kendra Stanton Lee-to-Be." While we were obviously disappointed that several dear friends declined, they did free some spaces. Consequently, we were able to invite more people as the weeks got closer to The Big Day, which I will discuss more in depth later.

For now, though, never assume that certain invitees will decline unless you have actually seen their jury summons for your wedding day. While everyone likes to get mail, no one likes to be told, "Thanks for coming to our wedding! Now, as you know, we've exceeded capacity at the reception hall so if you want to dance, perhaps you can come back in three hours? In the meantime, there's a McDonald's at the exit ramp. Yah, I hear the McSizzler is really good."

Once you calculate the total number of guests you are permitted to invite, you will want to allocate the list categorically. In our case, since my parents are divorced, they each got to invite 50 people. John's parents got 50 spots collectively, and John and I got all the rest. Easy enough, right?

The Misfits

On paper, yes. On paper, the guest list is a thing of beauty. It is numerically specific, symmetrical. It would move Da Vinci to tears. In reality, however, the guest list is a finger-painting. By a creature with hooves. It has unbalanced dimensions, it loses its manners. On paper, there is no Lulu - who took you from crayons to perfume - on your guest list. On paper, Lulu is Not on the "A" List. Not even on the "Double Z" list. In reality, however, Lulu is on your guest list. At least, Lulu assumes that she is. Yes, Lulu does not hesitate to ask you in no uncertain terms in front of a whole passel of invited guests, "Um, I'm invited to the wedding, right?"

Duhhh. Well...Invited to the wedding? Oh, you mean my wedding? The one where I'm getting married? Right, you know, let me get back to you....

Again, drafting and then executing a guest list requires tact, resolve, and an ability to count. You need to be tactful when expressing to Uber Tactless and Presumptuous People that they are not included among your invitees. You can hand the truth to them gingerly or you can pass it off on your parents who "unfortunately, invited all of their barfly friends and only allowed me to invite 20 people!!" Yes, it may be an outright lie, but it is a tactful one. Yes, you are making your parents the enemy here, but you've been backed into a corner yourself. So deflect, cast the culpability elsewhere and don't allow yourself to be pinned further into the corner.

Kids on Board

In the case of invited guests who assume it's okay to bring their kids along, take a moment and breathe before you scream into the phone, "WHAT'S THIS 'MR. & MRS. CLAIBORNE AND FAMILY??' I DIDN'T INVITE YOUR BOOGER-WADS. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU HAVE 72 DAYS TO FIND A BABYSITTER!!" You don't need to get all riled. Most likely, you'll be able to pawn this dirty job off on someone such as your mother, an aunt, or even your maid of honor. She can call up the Rude and Presumptuous Parent and indicate politely that either no children have been invited to the wedding, or that you are sorry to cause any confusion but you are not able to host their children.

Additionally, many couples elect to hire a babysitter/team of sitters to watch and entertain the children of guests during the reception. If you are able to provide this, terrific. If not, perhaps you can reference any local sitters for guests coming into town who may have trouble finding childcare. The goal, of course, is not to offend anyone who was sincerely confused as to whether or not their children were invited. Strive to be tactful and helpful, and try to avoid the words "planned parenthood" in these conversations just because you think its punny.

It is also not your responsibility to be a babysitter at your wedding. You may find that the 10 and under crowd is not the problem population. It is the table-dancing Frank the Tank "Don't Make Me Say 'College is Over' 40+ crowd that may really need the babysitter. Fortunately, local law enforcement agents will arrive to curb this behavior - a service already provided to you as a taxpayer!

Response Cards: Love 'em or Hate 'em

I could be way off here, but the last time I checked, response cards were not tucked into wedding invitations for the health and well-being of the bride and groom. Yet, guests often think that response cards are passe and telepathy is sooo much better. Their silent boycott of response cards is so charming, isn't it?

Especially because, if you are like I am, your telepathy radar is out of order. In fact, it always has been. Hence the response card clearly marked "The favor of your reply is requested by THREE DAYS AGO!"

Yet, folks will presume that you already knew that they and their dates (whom you have never met and therefore do not know their names) are coming and will be there with bells on.

When I receive an "It's been six months since your last appointment" postcard from my dentist, I rarely assume that if I go waltzing into his office, he will be expecting me with an available chair. You? That seems to be the attitude of a few people out there when it comes to wedding invitations. They assume you'll already have a chair waiting for them at the reception, even though their response card is still sitting on their kitchen counter with assorted phone messages scrawled on the back and a gummy bear stuck to the front.

Even after my cousin Bobby - who is otherwise a total winner - duped me on responding the first time, he totally ignored my follow-up e-mail, but there he was, dancing me with to "Step in the Name of Love" at the reception. Fully proclaiming himself a bona fide wedding crasher, I forgave him and promised him I would do the same for him when it was his turn to get hitched.

I should also warn you about the the Cryptic Cards. It is likely that you will receive at least a couple of response cards in which you cannot discern either the name or the response. I will give the wedding planning gurus a nod here when they tell you to number all the cards before you send them. I forgot to do this, but I was lucky. For the most part, my guests printed their names neatly and often included sweet messages such as "How can you be getting married, Kendra? You don't even have all of your permanent molars yet!!" However, I will never fully understand my auntie writing in "with pleasure" after she checked the "Regrets" box, because I knew she was coming. Perhaps she was just being ironical? Or?

In the case of response cards received that are blank, go ahead and write in the name of the celebrity that you would love to have attend your wedding. People will be impressed when they notice "Johnny Depp," party of 2 among the placecards. Then, when the guests who cannot find their respective placecards inquire, just apologize and ask them in a lilting voice, "Uh, do you mind taking Johnny Depp's seat?"

This is the way it goes, I'm afraid. Up until the week of the wedding, you may be cursing these guests who give little thought to the agony they are putting you through by completely ignoring RSVP protocol. Come the wedding day, however, you won't be bothered about such trivial things. All you can do is account for a few extra open seats in your final count to the caterer. After that, should the invited wedding crashers (as opposed to the uninvited, unsavory characters) arrive, they'll have a place to sit, thanks, of course, to Johnny Depp's last minute decline.